Bill the Cat
by Idan
Summary: Tag to 7x09, Copper Bullet. Wylie stages a rescue of his own, with a little help from his friends.


**Disclaimer:** Nothing in this story belongs to me.

**Author's Note:** So I felt like writing something fluffy, and I also wanted to explore Wylie's character a bit. Here's what happened.

* * *

Jason Wylie was a pretty smart guy, but he had to admit that social interaction wasn't his specialty. He was getting better though, now that he was part of a real team. Jane had taught him a ton about human nature, Cho didn't care about social skills, Vega was in her own way as big a geek as he was, and Lisbon was...well, she was just nice. He could have been the biggest dork in the world (which he wasn't, thank you very much) and she would still have been sweet to him, bringing him coffee after an all nighter and keeping him out of trouble for his part in Jane's schemes. She was the big sister he'd never had.

So when he needed help, she was the first one he thought of. He waited until Jane was out interviewing with Cho, because Jane could get funny sometimes about Lisbon. Not that Wylie was asking her to do anything dangerous. Just...well, to be honest, he was afraid Jane might mock his plan. Cho definitely would, in his barely detectable Cho way. And Vega would probably think he was being sentimental, which he was, he supposed. Still, it felt like the right thing to do.

"Uh, hey," he said, approaching Lisbon's desk once Vega went on an errand and it was just the two of them in the bullpen. "I was wondering if you would do me a favor. A small one. No big deal."

She smiled, but there was a wariness in her eyes that was probably an instinctive reaction after so many years doing weird stuff for Jane. "What do you need?"

"A reference. No big deal, just a phone thing."

Lisbon frowned. "Are you leaving us, Wylie?"

"What? Oh, no, not a job reference," he said quickly. "God, no. I love it here. This is for the animal shelter people."

She still looked puzzled. "Are you volunteering?"

"Huh? No. Sorry, I should have explained. I, uh, well, I got to thinking about Peterson's cat. So I made some calls, and it turns out the evidence team called Animal Control to come get it. Nobody's come forward to say they'll take care of it, and the shelter's full. It doesn't seem fair for the poor thing to get put to sleep just because his owner was a crook, does it?"

"No, it doesn't," she said, smiling again. "So you want to adopt it?"

"We got along when I went to visit. And he was pretty cooperative when you guys were taking the pictures, right?"

"He was a sweetie," Lisbon assured him. "I bet he'd be great company. What's his name?"

"Bill. Can you believe that? Peterson named his cat after himself. Who does that?"

Lisbon scrunched her nose in distaste. Then she shrugged. "Maybe he named it after Bill the Cat."

"Who?"

"From a comic strip back in the 80s. It was big for a while. There was a cat and a penguin and I don't remember what else. Are you going to rename him?"

"Probably. I did some research and it seems cats have the intelligence of toddlers. They can learn a pretty big vocabulary and will respond to nicknames and new names pretty quick. Don't know what I'll change it to, though. And I have to get approved to adopt him first. Which is where the references come in."

"I'd be happy to tell them you're a responsible and caring person who'd take good care of a cat." Lisbon looked pleased.

"Thanks. At least I've kept my Tamagochi alive this time."

"Do you need a second reference? I'm sure Jane would be happy to help too."

"Uh," Wylie said. "That's okay. I took care of my neighbor's cat once, so I'm going to ask her. I, uh, I don't want to tell people here until it's final, you know. In case I'm not approved."

"I'm sure you won't have any trouble. And Jane is great at keeping secrets." Lisbon rolled her eyes a little. "It's getting him not to keep secrets that's the problem."

Wylie grinned. "Anyway, thanks so much. I really appreciate it."

"You're welcome. Give them my cell number and tell them they can call anytime." Lisbon smiled warmly at him, and Wylie felt happy as he went back to his desk.

He was suddenly 100% confident he was doing the right thing. How could it be anything else, when it made Teresa Lisbon proud of him?

mmm

Two days later, Wylie got the call that his application had been approved. He could pick up his new pet anytime, though the shelter was eager to have the space for another animal in need. "I'll be there as soon as I can," he told them.

Then his excitement faded to anxiety. He needed to go buy a carrier. A litter box. Cat food. He didn't know anything about any of it, really.

"Good news?" Lisbon asked, coming over to his desk.

"Yeah. I can go pick up Bill tonight. But I need to get some stuff for him first."

"Congratulations!" Lisbon looked around. "There's nothing going on here this afternoon. Tell you what, why don't you go ahead to San Antonio? I'll pick up some supplies to get you started."

"Oh, you don't have to do that," Wylie said, surprised.

"I want to. It'll be my gift to your new friend. Go on; text me when you're starting back and I'll meet you at your place." She smiled and patted him on the shoulder.

"Thanks!" Wylie got up and, on impulse, hugged her.

Lisbon hugged back, chuckling at his excitement, then stepped back and said, "See you later."

Wylie barely remembered to log off his computer before heading for the elevator. As he pushed the button, he noticed Jane standing outside the break room sipping his teacup and blushed a little at the intense look he was giving him. He was grateful when the elevator came right away.

mmm

Bill the cat, as it turned out, was not a happy traveler. The noises coming from the brand new cat carrier were at once alarming and heartbreaking. Not to mention deafening. Wylie reminded himself repeatedly that the protests were against the carrier and the car, not against him as the new owner.

Still, he'd never been so relieved to pull into his apartment parking lot. Bill kept wailing even as Wylie pulled the carrier out of the car, so he hurried to his door before all his neighbors could emerge and demand to know what he was doing to that poor cat.

As soon as he got inside, he set the carrier down and opened it. Bill leapt out and ran down the hallway, vanishing. Wylie stood for a moment, hoping he'd come back, then began calling, "Here, kitty. It's okay. You can come out now."

A knock on the door interrupted him, so he went to answer it, hoping Lisbon would know what to do. She was laden with plastic bags, which he tried in vain to take as she went past him. She was followed immediately by a huge box whose label indicated it contained a multi-level cat tree, carried by Jane.

"Oh...oh, you shouldn't have," Wylie said, dismayed. It looked like they'd spent a small fortune on cat things. He had no idea cats needed so much stuff.

"We got a little carried away," Lisbon said, putting the bags down in the kitchen.

Jane staggered to the corner and set the box down. "Nonsense. We're the ones who made him homeless; since Wylie is kindly giving him a new one, the least we can do is make sure he has the best of everything. Where is he? Finding all the most comfortable places to sit? Lisbon, put a can of food in one of the bowls and reassure him he's in a quality establishment."

"Let me wash it out first," Lisbon said. Wylie helped her dig through the bags, finding a food dish. On the bottom was stamped "fine bone china." He swallowed hard.

"I'll wash it," he volunteered.

"Thanks. I'll find the mat," Lisbon said. "Jane, you're the connoisseur. What flavor do you think he'd like best?"

Jane was busily ripping open the box. "Try the salmon. Ah. Wylie, do you have a Phillips screwdriver?"

"Uh, yeah. There's a toolbox in the spare bedroom."

Jane headed down the hall. A minute later, there was some alarming clattering from that direction, and Wylie winced. He used that room as his office, and he was in the middle of rebuilding a server.

"I don't want to alarm anyone," Jane called, causing Wylie to instantly become very alarmed indeed, "but I think this cat may be about to start a global thermonuclear war or something."

"Oh, no, no, no," Wylie said, running for his office. The cat was sitting on a keyboard, inputting a string of nonsense into the image search program he'd been painstakingly debugging.

"Does Abbott know you've reconstructed the Situation Room in here?" Jane asked, looking around at the cluster of computers and monitors.

"It's, uh, it's just some stuff I'm working on," Wylie said, picking up the cat, who started purring loudly. "Can you?" He handed the cat to Jane, who cradled it against his shoulder, scratching behind Bill's ears. Then Wylie began cleaning up the mess the cat-typing had made of his code.

"So what are you renaming him?" Jane asked.

"I was thinking Gandalf. You know, because he's grey," Wylie replied.

"Hm," Jane said. "It suits him better than Bill. But with a cat, you want to make sure it's a good yelling name."

"Do people yell at cats a lot?"

"Oh, yes. Not that the cats listen, mind you. So you have to ask yourself, when you come home at midnight to find he's spit up a hair ball on your pillow, will it be cathartic for you to yell 'Gandalf!' or will you just feel silly?"

Wylie thought about it. Considering that Gandalf was a wizard, yelling his name might feel like an invocation. "Huh. Well, what would you call him?"

"I've always been partial to Shakespearian names myself. This active young fellow strikes me as a Tybalt, perhaps. Or Pericles. Or Sebastian."

Wylie considered. "I'll think about it."

The sound of a can opening came from the kitchen, and Bill meowed urgently, squirming in Jane's arms. Jane put him down, and he took off.

By the time Wylie and Jane arrived, Bill was gulping down the wet cat food like he was starving. Lisbon crouched beside him, petting him. "I think he approves of the food."

Jane grinned. "Per pound, that stuff cost more than prime rib. He better enjoy it."

"You got the screwdriver?" Lisbon held out her hand.

Jane didn't give it to her. "Are you implying I can't put together a simple cat tree?"

"I figured it would be less damaging to your ego to imply it rather than let you prove it in front of your fellow male," she retorted with a grin.

"Lisbon! How dare you impugn my manhood?" Jane exclaimed in mock outrage.

"Not everything is about your manhood, Jane," Lisbon teased, standing up and holding out her hand. "Give me the screwdriver."

"You demanding to handle my tool is definitely about my manhood," Jane retorted, grinning madly at her.

Wylie began to suspect they'd forgotten he was in the room. He should probably remind them, but he was frozen to the spot.

"It's Wylie's tool," Lisbon reminded Jane.

"Well, I'm definitely not going to allow you to handle his tool," Jane replied.

Wylie nearly chocked, quickly bending over to pet Bill. There was flirting, and then there was...whatever this was. He was pretty sure they never talked like this at work. Jane would probably get sent to a sexual harassment workshop if they did. Man, he'd pay to sit in that workshop.

"Behave," Lisbon admonished Jane. "Fine. Put the thing together by yourself, then. I'll just stand here and make fun of you while you do it. That should be a fun role reversal."

"You could put the water fountain together," Jane said, beginning to pull out pieces.

"Just don't forget to read the instructions," Lisbon said, turning to pull a box out of one of the bags.

"Tab A into Slot B. How hard is that?" Jane chuckled.

"I'm sure you're about to show us," Lisbon fired back, opening the box. Wylie saw that it was indeed a cat drinking fountain.

"Uh, he needs a fountain?"

Lisbon shrugged. "Apparently cats prefer oxygenated water. This will keep him from jumping into your sink to try to drink from the faucet, I guess. We got you a couple months' worth of filters, but they need changed regularly."

Bill the cat had hit the jackpot, Wylie realized. Lisbon and Jane were going to spoil him rotten. "I can handle that."

The cat seemed to know who to butter up, too. He finished cleaning his food dish and went over to rub against Lisbon's legs, meowing plaintively.

Lisbon said, "There's a bed in one of these bags, Wylie, if you want to pick out a place for him to sleep."

"Oh. Great idea. Thanks." What kind of places did cats like to sleep in? He had no idea.

Jane said, "You should probably get the litter box set up, now that he's eaten. Not near his food."

Wylie had no intention of putting a litter box in his kitchen. "Okay." The bathroom seemed like a logical place. He grabbed the box that claimed to contain a self-cleaning litter box, as well as a massive bag of all-natural, organic wheat-based clumping litter, and headed down the hall.

As he worked setting up the self-cleaning part of the box, which was actually pretty neat, he kept an ear on the kitchen. There was some muttering from Jane and some snickering from Lisbon, followed by a muffled squeak and then laughter. After a minute, that faded into near silence. Was that kissing?

Wow. He'd never been able to figure out exactly what was going on with those two, but it seemed pretty clear now. He wondered if anybody else knew.

He wondered if they were really making out in his kitchen. While his cat watched.

Maybe he was just having a very strange dream. Maybe he'd fallen and hit his head.

Lisbon said quietly, "Leave me alone and get that thing put together, Jane, so we can get your horny ass home."

Jane said, "I can't help it if I find you jamming pieces of water fountain together...inspiring."

Wylie bit his tongue to keep from laughing. When he was sure his voice was steady, he called, "Bill! Hey, kitty, come try this thing out."

The cat took his time, but he eventually joined Wylie in the bathroom, sniffing curiously around before stepping into the litter box and beginning to dig enthusiastically, sending litter all over the tile floor. Apparently "self-cleaning" was only going to be so much help, Wylie realized.

Then Bill squatted and proceeded to excrete a very smelly pile into the hole in the litter. He gave a couple of swipes, apparently intended to cover what he'd done, and left the room with his tail held high. Wylie held his nose while he waited to see if the litter box was going to deal with this. After a few seconds, it hummed into action, immediately lessening the stench.

"That thing works great!" Wylie called out, heading back to the kitchen. He made plenty of noise on his approach, not wanting to surprise them.

Lisbon was filling up a fountain from the tap, while Jane was sitting on the floor with his jacket off and sleeves rolled up, surrounded by carpeted pieces and frowning at a sheet of instructions. "Uh, I can probably do that," Wylie offered.

Jane gave him an exasperated look. "Why does no one think I can do this? Have I not proven my general competence by now?"

Wylie decided to change the subject. "Uh, have you guys eaten? I could order a pizza. It's the least I can do after you've been so helpful."

"That would be great," Lisbon said. "You and I can eat while Jane takes his intelligence test."

Jane gave Lisbon a look, and she gave him one right back. Wylie translated the exchange as:

Jane: I had other plans, and you know it.

Lisbon: Be nice, or your other plans are going out the window, buster.

He grabbed his phone and called his favorite pizza place.

mmm

Jane managed to get the cat tree constructed before the pizza arrived, which Wylie found kind of impressive. He cleared all the junk mail off his dining room table and got out some actual dishes instead of the paper plates he usually used, not wanting to seem like a college kid.

They were quiet as they ate; it was getting late so they were all hungry, he guessed. He was just going for his third slice when Bill decided to join them, hopping up on the fourth chair and looking around curiously.

"Do cats eat pizza?" Wylie wondered.

"I think that depends on the cat," Jane said. "I knew one once that loved popcorn."

"There were cats in the carnival?" Lisbon asked, surprised.

"Sometimes. They're good company, and they keep the rodent population down. I was always interested in them as a kid. They're so mysterious at first, but after you figure them out they're pretty easy to get along with."

"Good," Wylie said. Bill was interested in what was going on, but he didn't seem to be thinking about jumping onto the table. "Do you think he misses Peterson?"

"Maybe at first," Jane said. "But he'll get attached to you as long as you keep feeding him and playing with him."

Wylie reached out carefully and scratched the top of Bill's head. The cat purred, then started licking his hand, probably because it tasted like pepperoni.

Lisbon said, "What he knows is that he was in a cage in a bad smelling place, and then you came and brought him here, where there's food and toys and soft places to sit. You're his hero."

Wylie felt himself blush a little. "It's nice to be a hero. Even if it's just to a cat."

"You've been our hero plenty of times," Lisbon assured him.

"Yes, you have," Jane agreed. "Every good team needs a computer whiz. We couldn't get along without you."

"Thanks." Wylie was thrilled but embarrassed at the same time.

Lisbon asked, "Speaking of the team, I know Cho isn't a fan of cats, but are you going to invite Vega to meet Bill?"

"Maybe."

"You should," Jane advised. "Women love a man with a soft spot for animals."

Wylie blushed again. He guessed he shouldn't be surprised Jane knew he had a crush on Vega, but he'd really hoped nobody had noticed.

"Stop teasing him," Lisbon admonished. "In fact, we should probably go. It's getting late."

"True," Jane said, getting up and pulling out her chair. Wylie made a mental note to try that move sometime. Women seemed to like the old-fashioned stuff.

"I can't thank you guys enough," he said, getting up too. "You should let me pay for all this."

"Nonsense," Jane said. "Next time I get you into trouble, you can just consider us even."

"Uh." Wylie thought he might turn out to get the bad end of this deal after all. "Sure."

So Jane had paid for everything, huh? He was a little surprised, but then if they were a couple, maybe that was normal.

"Call us if you need anything," Lisbon said as Jane went to put on his jacket. "But I'm sure you two are going to be fine."

Wylie had a sudden vision of him calling her in the middle of the night to ask a cat question and Jane later hypnotizing him to act like a parakeet. "I'm sure we will," he said. Under no circumstances was he going to call her while she was on her own time. Her own and Jane's. He had a feeling Jane would quickly move to keep it from becoming a habit.

He couldn't blame him. If he had a girlfriend like Lisbon, he'd want other guys to leave her the hell alone too.

He saw them out, waving as they went to Lisbon's car, and then closed the door. Bill was sitting there expectantly. "So," Wylie said. "It's just you and me. Want to watch some TV?"

Bill meowed, then followed him into the living room and hopped up on the couch beside him. While Wylie roamed through the channel guide looking for something that wouldn't melt his brain, Bill gave himself a bath. It felt nice and domestic, Wylie thought. Not lonely like it sometimes did when he watched TV by himself.

He settled on a rerun of The Big Bang Theory and leaned back, relaxing. Bill laid a paw on his leg, then carefully walked onto his lap, pausing to consider the terrain for a second before curling up into a ball and purring.

Wylie stroked the soft fur and smiled.

Yeah, he'd done the right thing.


End file.
